When work is no longer meaningful

Hugh wrote something the other day that stopped me in my tracks.

The reason being is it hits pretty close to the bone on a bit of what I’ve been feeling in the fallout.

Meaningful Work or Death. Any other form of existence doesn’t interest me. Thanks Be To God.

What happens when work no longer holds that meaning it always has? Is death the only option?

Certainly something died in me in that area….whether time, which is suppossed to heal all things, can weave its magic on that I don’t know.

I surely do know though that like Hugh, work must mean something to me…otherwise I just feel dead.

And too much of me has already felt too dead for too long.

Mellencamp again: “Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone..”


Me in Machinima…

JC in concert in SLThe other week in Second Life (SL) there was a Creative Commons / Popular Science run event with different artists singing. One was Jonathan Coulton, from Flickr movie and Thing A Week fame.

Mike and I atended the packed out event and Mike snapped a mov of me waving my Concert Beacon around. Pity the lag was so bad from there being so many attendees that the rez meant I was grey figure…but you’ll get the gist.


Down and out in paradise

Being the IT guy, at work I’m usually kept in the back corner office beavering away keeping the electrons zooming for the rest of the plebs sitting at the ends of the 10Base100.

Meanwhile I know we have many any varied public come off the streets and into our building to use our free public access computers.

Today the two worlds collided when I was asked to help when a user couldn’t get to a geocities site. I quickly resolved the issue as something to do with cache refreshing, but not before listening briefly to what this quiet spoken, well mannered, clean yet somewhat shabbily dressed person was using the geocities site and our public access computers for.

He’s quietly waging a war on social inclusion. Putting the plight of the homeless and disenfranchised of Adelaide out there for public attention. Even told me there’s a homeless person who checks out the free food places and reports what they are like to him for putting up on the site – almost like a homeless restaurant review – though that’s doing these guys a disservice in merely terming it that.

So, if you want an insight into the life of the backlife in Adelaide, and a taste of the kind of wonderful people who make up life in the city, as they embody the spirit of self-empowerment – check out the Social Inclusion War site.

Just sayin.


Between a laugh and a tear

Well it would seem I’m slowing climbing out from whatever rock it was that landed on me.

For those not in the know, I had what the Doctor termed an ’emotional breakdown’ and what I termed ‘falling apart’ about 6 weeks ago. I ended up in hospital for chest pain and stayed there a few days while I was physically checked out. That was all cleared and my body was sent home. This was just a manifestastion of stress really and my body’s way of telling me I had to slow down fast!

The Doc ordered no work for a couple weeks which turned into four. It didn’t bother me, I had lost all interest anyway…in just about everything…and just about overnight.

I cleared decks by re-routing emails and getting other associates to keep eye on the servers at work. And set about doing nothing. This isn’t usually something I’m used to..or like. But this time…well I just couldn’t care any longer.

I ended up spending my days with my head switched off in Second Life (SL). And it was my answer in this period, my therapy. I needed something that didn’t take any analytical brain power and yet could occupy me enough just to relax. I found a whole new side of me, a side that had been buried under that rock I talked of for 25 years. I knew from outset that the word ‘expression’ was a key, but didn’t know what that meant. SL gave me a new way of expression and of freedom from the constraints that come with my disability and those constraints I’d built myself as a way of either escape or coping.

Slowly over time as my body healed and my brain slowed down, I was able to have time for feeling to return, for issues to bubble up and stare at in the face and realisation to surface.

It’s all a bit freaky, hippy and messy – but needed…and good. Not that it feels it at the time…or even now.

So, how am I now? Well, John Mellencamp puts it best:

Between a laugh and a tear
Smile in the mirror as you walk by
Between a laugh and a tear
And thats as good as it can get for us
And there aint no reason to stop tryin

Typing isn’t the easiest thing for me and one reason I have the podcast is as a way of expression that doesn’t take so much time and physical effort. So I’m going to talk a bit more from time to time on there about it.

So now, things are going to have to change – if nothing changes nothing changes and we end up getting the same results we always do. Cutting back on work as much as my finances will allow will be part of it. Changing the way I do things and finding new things to do that are diferent things will also be a part. Maybe even finding some work that doesn’t require so much of me, or at least so much of the same thing, so I can pay the mortgage yet live, might be a part of it.

All part of what Jackson Browne sings as being “caught between the longing for love and the struggle for the legal tender“.


Colour returns

Just caught up this morning with the recent Apple announcements about the new iPod lines etc.

The release of the iPod nano in colours again twigged something I’d written in this blog back in April titled Classic colour

Apple’s done well to foster this ‘emotional connection’ via music with the iPod. I’m wondering perhaps we might see a colourful return? After all, what evokes emotional connection besides music….oh yeah, colour!